Video & Audio: You’re not okay (she promises)

Plus: A 2003 poll announcement!

Cristale x Teezandos with Fumez the Engineer: “Plugged In”

A drill song that’s fun and has technically good rapping: it only took a dozen years and two British women! Teezandos is a bundle of energy who’s the most vicious emcee to compare herself to Fergie. Cristale shows the classic low-key drill detachment is not incompatible with actually having a personality.

Olivia Rodrigo: “Vampire”

The major controversy seems to be whether “famefucker” is a real thing; as a neologism fan, you can guess where I stand. Of more long term import is that she’s decided that she wants to be Gerard Way as she grows up, but apparently everyone is okay with this. I guess I am too, at least until we get My Chemical Romance: The Musical: The Series.

Wednesday: “Bath County”

There’s no Planet Fitness in Bath County, VA, so I stand by my B+. Best case is Karly Hartzman turns into Lucinda (well, not the best case for MJ Lenderman to get Gurfed); it’s thus vital to insist on accuracy in place-name allusions. Second-best case is she turns into a great star and/or director of music videos.

Seyi Vibez: “Man of the Year”

“I can be the man of the year/You can be the man of the year too.” Maybe what he means is the Afro-amapiano template is so open-sourced that anyone who speaks some Pidgin and knows how to download a sample pack can have a hit on the Nigerian chart. (Though not number one, unless you’re Asake.)

Bia & Timbaland: “I’m That Bitch”

Timba takes a simple hook and undergirds it with wubbing bass and the faintest acknowledgement that trap happened. Complex rap production: it’s an old man’s game now. Bia’s the closest of the substitutes for Cardi “more social media controversies than songs” B to yet emerge.

Raye & 070 Shake: “Escapism”

After years of excellent singles that never hit as big as Polydor wanted, she went indie and released this pretty good bad behavior single and became an international star. It feels a bit Euphoria compared to her best work (N.B. I’ve never watched a minute of Euphoria), but the stardom is deserved.

Mas Musiq & Daliwonga ft. DJ Maphoriza & Kabza De Small: “Gangnam Style”

Not a cover, unfortunately: just a reminder that sometimes you can love the way a phrase sounds without understanding the language. If K-pop soon discovers the Scorpion Kings, however, we might be reaching the endgame of popular music and this may have to become a full-time comics in translation blog, which wouldn’t help my open rate.

Ice Spice: “Princess Diana”

The Di comparison finally made sense to me after the underwhelming remix showed how far Ice Spice is ahead of Nicki at the moment. She’s just so damn likable—truly the People’s Rapper, if TikTok users are people. If annoying nerds like myself still think she can still get a bit more expressive, that only proves her upside.

Dagny: “Same Again (for Love)”

One of those massive choruses you might think the Scandinavians can dial up at will, until you try to remember when the last one this big was (I had to go back three Tove Lo albums to recall one of comparable magnitude.) This one you can sing over and over—“everything that goes around comes around”—thanks to the repeated “I’ll never”, a very deft verbal trick, so kudos Dagny Norvoll Sanvik, Edvard Foerre Erfjord, and Lise Reppe.

Victoria Monét ft. Lucky Daye: “Smoke”

Lucky Daye, the best R&B loverman to break through in recent years, shows his range in a supporting role here, letting Monét take the highs. For her part, Monét hasn’t quite broken through yet but I’m pulling for her, not least because she sings like a normal person, if a modern one (“it’s a bisexual blunt, it can go both ways.”)

Baby Keem & Kendrick Lamar: “The Hillbillies”

Keem is one of the few male rappity-rappers to gain any kind of mainstream fanbase post-pandemic (there’s also JID, and that’s about it), yet Kendrick still insists on overshadowing his cousin. Their analogy here is that Kendrick is Messi, which sure, and Keem is Neymar, which jeez, why not save that one for Drake.

DJ Crazy Times ft. Ms. Biljana Electronica: “Planet of the Bass” (excerpt)

<Girl Explaining Meme>: BUT THE MUSIC IS MORE POST-2000 POP-TRANCE WHILE THE ERA OF GARBLED RAP WAS THE NINETIES, FURTHERMORE THE RAPS WERE GARBLED PRIMARILY STRUCTURALLY RATHER THAN GRAMMATICALLY. CULTURE BEAT’S JAY SUPREME WAS FROM JERSEY

***

Announcing: A 2003 albums poll!

• List up to 20 of your favorite albums from 2003 (EPs can count too.) I suggest dating by first commercial release date, regardless of country, but whatever, I’m not your dad

• Assign them a total of 10 points per album listed (e.g. 200 points for 20 albums, 100 points for 10 albums), with the usual maximum of 30 and minimum of 5 for an individual album

• Name as many singles as you feel like; I may be too lazy to count them all up properly but I’ll name one or more winners based on general impression

Three ways to vote:

• COMMENT on this post right here

• EMAIL your ballot to bradluen@yahoo.co.nz with “2003 poll” in the subject line

• POST in the voting thread that I’ll eventually remember to start in the Expert Witness Facebook group

Deadline: Friday 25th August, let’s not drag this out